Sunday, 14 May 2017
Journey of Bill #1
Bill is a pirate of a crew called Espanolia, he likes eating and sleeping. "I'm stuffed, I can't eat anymore!" groaned Bill "Careful Bill, if you eat to much, your food might taste disgusting in the future." teased Jack "Nah, that ain't gonna happen to me." replied Bill "You know, if you eat to much, our food supply will run out soon yah crazy boy" shouted The Captain. "Well I'm going to bed right now, bye" yawned Bill. Bill went to bed, but he has nightmare, about food. Then in the middle of night he shouted, "this is disgusting, I couldn't eat something so disgusting". His eyes strikes open, he put his hand on his head and whispered, "its just a dream"...
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3 comments:
I like your dialogue throughout your sentences and also how you added an adjective instead of the word said after each speech; "groaned", "replied" and "shouted". This helps me picture what is being said and how it is being said, so well done.
Pay attention to your full stops and capital letters. Read through your work and see if you can edit a few.
Great work.
I like how when you write it sounds like you in real life :). I like it because it is funny.
I really like your story but It's over 100 words next time you just need to make it a little bit shorter.
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