Thursday, 8 June 2017
Is this magic?
As the rain began everyone on the ship went under cover. The rain kept on going it didn't end. So all of us had to quickly run across the boat and get back inside our rooms. The rain kept on going for more than 12 days I was so upset beacause we couldn't even do fishing and get food to keep it inside the fridge. I shouted stop it really loudly up in the sky, suddenly it stoped everyone was curios. They even thought I had magical power. Then we heard the sound from the side of the boat. The water some how was leaking out. I shouted stop it but the water just kept gushing out. Not very long goodnight boat sinked. I was the only one who survived...
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6 comments:
A really nice piece of narrative writing! I particularly like the calm description offset by the grim ending, giving the piece an ominous feel. The description of the boat is also a really imaginative response to the prompt. Good use of grammar and punctuation, especially with the ellipsis. You could perhaps extend the ending and add more to the story, like what happens to the protagonist after the capsize, and also experiment with some different types of punctuation. Keep up the good work!
I really liked your writing. At some points you forgot the commas, when you use commas it makes the story less confusing, Very good story, i enjoyed it.
I like how you added a rhetorical question in your title.
Your story is interesting Natty!! I don't know what to comment lol :)
I like your story especially the ending. To improve you could shorten your story because you have 130 words and you could make the last few sentences make more sense.
Your story is very interesting Natty, but don't forget to check your spelling.
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