BAM ! Ondina fell to the ground. Her head was filled with loud disturbing voices and she could feel her sweat dripping down her face. Everything she could see was all a blur and the sounds around her slowly faded away. As she shook her head and stood up she turned around and saw two men wearing black leather jackets with a mask on. They were dragging away her mother who was unconscious as fast as they could. Ondina was petrified asking herself questions but where were they going ? She was at a stage of confusion not knowing what to do.
2 comments:
Great to start with onomatopoeia and an exclamation. You keep the action flowing and still leave the reader wanting to know more by the end. I would really like to see what happens next in this story...
Your vocabulary is vivid: disturbing voices, all a blur, sounds slowly faded away. Thank you for helping he imagine through your words.
Keep writing.
Mrs. G. USA
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