Apple was sitting in her room on the floor just playing games on her phone when suddenly the door
and all the windows were bared shut. Apple wasnt worried becuase she knew her mother was outside to help her if she needed help. Slowly drops of water landed on her forhead she was very confused why because it wasnt raining! The water just kept gushing out and Apple was drowning because she didnt know how to swim! Her whole room was filled with water and was left with no place to breath. Calmy her mother opened the door and all the water gushed out. After that she saw Apple dead on the floor.
Apple was sitting in her room on the floor just playing games on her phone when suddenly the door 
5 comments:
A really nice piece of descriptive writing! I particularly like the thriller description, giving the piece a feel of anticipation. The part about the water is really vivid, and it's almost as if you can feel the drowning yourself. Good use of grammar and punctuation, especially the exclamation mark. If anything you could perhaps extend the ending and add more to the story, like how the water came to be, and also experiment with some different types of punctuation. Keep up the good work!
Oooh scary, me likey. I like the scary scares yo! Check the spellings next time yo!
I really like how you described everything in detail and I especially liked your ending.
Very intense, but well written story. Hey apple, apple, apple.
I like your story especially the ending!!
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